First of all, James Harrison clearly needs a history lesson. Cheaters never win? How about the 4 Super Bowls your team won from 1975-1980 that were the direct result of everyone from Terry Bradshaw, who acknowledges and confirms the fact, to the fucking kicker being so jacked up on steroids that after they retired a bunch of them died from ridiculous steroid induced crazy shit. I don't even know how to put it into words. I'm talking psychosis rage followed by suicide and fucked up enlarged heart muscles and shit like that.
Lets not forget the lack of a salary cap or floor back then either, so any team in a big city that could draw a crowd could keep a roster in tact as long as necessary and never worry about losing impact players, and any team that just wanted to make money coughtampabaycough could just sit back and rake it in while paying their players jack shit. Look at the Super Bowl winners before 1994. All huge Market cities with the exception of KC but even they have such a rabid fan base its no surprise. Cheaters never win my ass. By the way, you think taping hand signals is cheating? Tom Brady has been grabbing his face mask to let receivers know that the quick screen is coming for fucking 10 years now and you idiots on defense still can't do anything to stop it. Plus you beat the Cardinals and the Seahawks to win your rings, and the Hawks basically handed you the win on two bad plays. Jealousy reared its ugly head on Sunday night. Remember the Wild Card round, douche bag? Tommy Turbo is laughing somewhere, probably getting head from Maria Menounos.
Giselle. You are about to get fucking divorced, lady. Clearly you have zero interest in your husband's football career because if you did you would watch his press conferences and know that you aren't allowed to criticize specific aspects of the team in public. What a fuck up. Guarantee we don't make the Super Bowl next season because Tom is going to have to do damage control for the next four months to prevent Wes Welker from leaving and everyone else for looking at him like a two-faced faggy boot spokesman who talks shit about his teammates to wifey after the game. Classy move. If I was Tom I would shave a big fucking stripe down the middle of your head in your sleep to throw a wrench in your career the way you just did his. Take that enormous net worth of yours and buy a fucking muzzle for yourself so this doesn't happen again. Maybe you could get that vocal chord procedure they give to dogs who bark too much?
Belichick, you done with the fuckin' bargain basement wide receivers and/or butt buddies yet? Great character assessment on Chad, by the way. Never assume that the best player on a shitty team is going to be any good on yours. You are kind of the man and everything, but how about hiring a WR guru to you find players in the draft. You nail just about everything else but good GOD do you whiff when it comes to drafting receivers. Wide Receivers. Tight ends don't count bro. It was Montana to Rice, not Montana to Francis. Get a fuckin' DB and Pass Rush Specialist assistant while you're at it.
By the way, everyone who says Montana is hands down the best postseason QB of all time can suck a dick. Montana went 16-7 over the course of his career, getting knocked out of the playoffs in the first round three years in a row and missing the playoffs all together one year. Sounds pretty familiar to me. And Montana only went to four. If Brady pulls an Elway at the end of his career he's going to two more SB's and winning them both. 5-2 record as a starter, 7 appearances. Thats Otto Graham shit, in an era that's actually competitive. Bunch of ignorant fucks reporting on the NFL these days. Except Peter King, he knows his shit.
Don't let me forget Bernard Pollard, either. Learn how to fucking tackle you asshole. You think we lose that game last night if Gronkowski is healthy? I don't fucking think so. Honestly, he was completely useless and still caught two passes, which is one more than Ochocinco, BILL. You think we miss the playoffs in '09 with Tom Brady if Shitbag Cassel was able to limp along to 11 wins? No, we don't. Even your mere presence resulted in Welker destroying his knee in Jacksonville, so kudos for being a bad luck charm on top of a shitty tackler.
Fuckin' a.
Monday, February 6, 2012
I ate too much Original Recipe last night.
Typically this blog is written in asshole fashion but today I'm not going to do that. The Giants won, fair and square. They made plays when they had to more often than the Patriots did, plain and simple. They pounced on fumbles that could have killed drives and their chances of winning and they didn't throw the ball to the other team. The Patriots turned the ball over once, the Giants didn't. Typically you can guess the winner of a football game by looking at the turnover margin and nothing else, and last night was no different. Blame the refs if you want to for calling that intentional grounding on the first drive, but that's a mental mistake by Brady and no one else. Whether there was supposed to be a receiver breaking off his route and heading in that direction or not is irrelevant, the play was called like it was by the best officials in the business. The Super Bowl is the Pro Bowl for referees, with the best officials of the season getting chosen to make the calls. Brady could have thrown a strike to the dirt in front of a receiver like he always does and lived to see another play, but he didn't. 214 days from now the 2012 regular season starts and you can either spend them making excuses and pointing the finger or you can give credit where credit is due. The Giants played a hell of a game and Eli Manning is currently the big swinging dick in the cool-under-fire QB club. Makes me sick to my stomach to write it but it's true.
Here are my non-goats of the game. These guys are going to be catching flack from all angles and I'm going to tell you why they don't deserve it.
Wes Welker - Yeah, he dropped a huge one, probably lost them the game. He also made 122 catches during the year and without him that offense would be pretty bad. Don't be a fair weather little bitch of a fan and kill a guy for one drop. He made no excuses, and he needs to be back on that team next year. An elf of a receiver shouldn't be the guy trying to catch passes like that anyway, but I'll get to that later.
Tom Brady - Bad intentional grounding early after a huge stop for the D, bad pick later in the game. He also went 16/16 at one point for two touchdowns to give the Pats an eight point lead after being down by 9 early. Plus it's Tom Brady, what the fuck would they be without him?
The Defense - They held the Giants to 19 points (the safety goes against the offense, obviously) and the Patriots averaged 32 points a game over the course of the regular season and 34 in the postseason before last nights game. 19 points should get the job done. Pat Chung and Brandon Spikes gave all Pats fans something to smile about yesterday. Spikes was credited with 11 tackles, which is a lot, but his number 55 came out of every pile and he had a nice forced fumble too. I wouldn't be surprised if he had closer to 20 tackles. Bright future with this team. Chung had that monster hit on Nicks up the sideline and showed flashes of Rodney Harrison last night. Sterling Whothefuckissterlingmoore Moore played a great game too, sniffing out some plays in the backfield and making that huge play on 3rd down near the end. That 12 men on the field penalty was BAD, no excuses for that, but one penalty does not a game make or break.
Here are my real goats, but none of them deserve to be crucified.
Bill O'Brien - He called a good game. They had the chance to win at the end and didn't make enough plays. Those two consecutive drives at the end of the first half and beginning of the second were vintage Tom Brady and he deserves credit for that. But, run the football. The Patriots ran 19 times for 83 yards last night. 4.4 yards per rush. The Giants averaged 4.1 but didn't hesitate to run it 28 times, despite being behind on the scoreboard for the entire second half. Running between the tackles and letting the offensive line come off the ball hard and lay their hats on some guys is the only way to wear a speedy pass rushing defense like the Giants down and kills a shit ton of clock in the process. Heath Evans told his father before the Super Bowl in '08 he thought the Patriots were going to run the ball down the Giants throat to win the game. They abandoned that plan and ran the ball 16 times that game. And lost. 19 running plays isn't going to get it done. They played with two tight end sets with Brady under center a TON this year and ran the ball well. Last night looked a lot more like the '07 offense than the '11 one.
Bill Belichick - Take this one lightly. Bill is the best coach in NFL history, hands down. Five Super Bowl rings, three as a head coach, and two of those rings as a defensive coordinator, one of which he gets credit for because his game plan was brilliant. Look up the rest of his stats, he's a stud. This goat tag doesn't go to BB the coach, it goes to BB the GM. Every NFL show you watch you will hear the phrase "quarterback driven league" at least once. Literally. I dare you to find one without it. It's like fucking food TV stars always talking about depth of flavor. Unavoidable. It is a quarterback driven league, and it has been since the birth of the modern passing game in the 1950's and 60's with Sid Gillman of the Browns inventing the idea of timing routes and precision passing and Don "Air" Coryell coaching the Chargers in the late 70's and early 80's to 6 straight passing yardage titles. BB knows this and for that reason Tom Brady is the highest paid player in the league. Shame on Bill for not realizing that it takes wide receivers too. If the quarterback is the driver, then the receivers are the vehicle. The best driver in the world can win a race with an inferior car, Brady did it on his way to three Super Bowl titles, but why force him to do it?
No offense to Wes Welker because obviously he's a fantastic player, but plays in the slot and doesn't have the skill set of a typical No. 1 receiver. Think Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Vincent Jackson, Hakeem Nicks, Brandon Marshall (without the drops), Andre Johnson and Sidney Rice. These guys are all over 6-2, with the exception of Nicks, can all jump out of the gym, all specialize in making catches outside the numbers (between the literal yardage numbers painted on the field and the sideline) especially deep down the field and they all go up and get the ball at its highest point. More importantly they run the typical goal line fade (diagonal line right to the back corner of the end zone) and usually come down with the football no matter who's covering. Wes Welker is not that guy. He's 5-8 on a good day and isn't out jumping anyone. Ochocinco was supposed to be that guy but we all know how that turned out. Where does BB fit into all of this? Two of the guys on that list were free agents last season - Sidney Rice and Vincent Jackson. Jackson has some character issues, mostly related to the retards in the office running the Chargers but this is a strong locker room and infinitely better organization and Rice was coming off an injury but both of these guys make big plays when it counts. Jackson is a freak of nature at 6'5'' and 230+ pounds and makes a living catching balls in traffic while making corners look like little children. Rice isn't as big but both of them have been better than Chad Ochocinco in recent years and could have been had for similar money. Jackson's teammate, Malcom Floyd, who's also 6'5'' and around 230 pounds was a free agent too and could have been had for $2 million this season. Ocho made $6 million and cost the team a draft pick in the trade to acquire him. I'm not a scout and for all I know the Pats looked at these guys and they didn't fit the system, but Ocho obviously didn't fit either so who knows. What I do know is last night the reality was that, with Gronkowski clearly a shell of his former self because of the ankle injury, there was not a player on the field for the Patriots who was going to make a catch against good coverage. Gronk does it regularly when hes healthy and Hernandez shows flashes but Hernandez, Welker and Branch all specialize in running great routes and finding the weak spot in the coverage to get open. They are fantastic at it. Sometimes, though, you need a player who can be blanketed by a corner with a safety helping but it doesn't matter because the QB is going to put the ball 11 feet in the air and the guy is going to go up and get it like a basketball player coming down with a rebound. Calvin Johnson has a 42.5" vertical leap, is 6' 5'' and 236 pounds. With his arms extended over his head standing tall, his middle finger reaches 8'8''. Add a 42.5 inch vertical to that and he's dunking on an 11' rim with ease, or coming down with catches in double coverage on a regular basis.
The Pats don't need another Randy Moss. They don't even need a guy who is going to carry the offense or be asked to. They just need a tall, strong, athletic guy who can make a tough catch when everyone is else is covered and force the defense to respect the outside of the field. Gronkowski can't be that guy because of the position he plays and the fact that he will always be covered by linebackers who can come a lot closer to matching his physicality than a DB on a wide receiver who can run like hell and is also a beast in the strength department. I wont kill BB for this because those two tight ends are so good he deserves heaps of credit for getting them, but if you look at all the top offenses of the league, they all have at least one player on the outside who is going to make a huge catch when the offense really needs it.
-New Orleans has Marques Colson who is 6'4'' 225 and Robert Meachem at 6'2'' 210.
-Green Bay has Jordy Nelson at 6'3'' 217 and Greg Jennings who plays like a tall guy but really isn't
-Detroit has Calvin Johnson at 6'5'' 236
-NYG has three receivers who are slightly undersized but are all phenomenal at making plays on the outside
-San Diego has the two 6'5'' monsters on the outside and Antonio Gates in the middle
-Atlanta has Roddy White who is shortish at 6'0'' but is a fantastic player and Julio Jones who at 6'3'' 220 could be the best receiver in the NFL in a few years after watching him play this season
I could keep going but the moral of the story is that the rules in the NFL are so slanted in favor of offenses, especially in regards to making contact with receivers, that it's foolish to not have a big basketball player type on the outside who can take advantage of the soft rules and manhandle defensive backs on a regular basis. Randy Moss was never that guy, he's a freak of nature in other ways, but he was never winning battles of strength. The players are out there, it's time for Bill to go get one.
Here are my non-goats of the game. These guys are going to be catching flack from all angles and I'm going to tell you why they don't deserve it.
Wes Welker - Yeah, he dropped a huge one, probably lost them the game. He also made 122 catches during the year and without him that offense would be pretty bad. Don't be a fair weather little bitch of a fan and kill a guy for one drop. He made no excuses, and he needs to be back on that team next year. An elf of a receiver shouldn't be the guy trying to catch passes like that anyway, but I'll get to that later.
Tom Brady - Bad intentional grounding early after a huge stop for the D, bad pick later in the game. He also went 16/16 at one point for two touchdowns to give the Pats an eight point lead after being down by 9 early. Plus it's Tom Brady, what the fuck would they be without him?
The Defense - They held the Giants to 19 points (the safety goes against the offense, obviously) and the Patriots averaged 32 points a game over the course of the regular season and 34 in the postseason before last nights game. 19 points should get the job done. Pat Chung and Brandon Spikes gave all Pats fans something to smile about yesterday. Spikes was credited with 11 tackles, which is a lot, but his number 55 came out of every pile and he had a nice forced fumble too. I wouldn't be surprised if he had closer to 20 tackles. Bright future with this team. Chung had that monster hit on Nicks up the sideline and showed flashes of Rodney Harrison last night. Sterling Whothefuckissterlingmoore Moore played a great game too, sniffing out some plays in the backfield and making that huge play on 3rd down near the end. That 12 men on the field penalty was BAD, no excuses for that, but one penalty does not a game make or break.
Here are my real goats, but none of them deserve to be crucified.
Bill O'Brien - He called a good game. They had the chance to win at the end and didn't make enough plays. Those two consecutive drives at the end of the first half and beginning of the second were vintage Tom Brady and he deserves credit for that. But, run the football. The Patriots ran 19 times for 83 yards last night. 4.4 yards per rush. The Giants averaged 4.1 but didn't hesitate to run it 28 times, despite being behind on the scoreboard for the entire second half. Running between the tackles and letting the offensive line come off the ball hard and lay their hats on some guys is the only way to wear a speedy pass rushing defense like the Giants down and kills a shit ton of clock in the process. Heath Evans told his father before the Super Bowl in '08 he thought the Patriots were going to run the ball down the Giants throat to win the game. They abandoned that plan and ran the ball 16 times that game. And lost. 19 running plays isn't going to get it done. They played with two tight end sets with Brady under center a TON this year and ran the ball well. Last night looked a lot more like the '07 offense than the '11 one.
Bill Belichick - Take this one lightly. Bill is the best coach in NFL history, hands down. Five Super Bowl rings, three as a head coach, and two of those rings as a defensive coordinator, one of which he gets credit for because his game plan was brilliant. Look up the rest of his stats, he's a stud. This goat tag doesn't go to BB the coach, it goes to BB the GM. Every NFL show you watch you will hear the phrase "quarterback driven league" at least once. Literally. I dare you to find one without it. It's like fucking food TV stars always talking about depth of flavor. Unavoidable. It is a quarterback driven league, and it has been since the birth of the modern passing game in the 1950's and 60's with Sid Gillman of the Browns inventing the idea of timing routes and precision passing and Don "Air" Coryell coaching the Chargers in the late 70's and early 80's to 6 straight passing yardage titles. BB knows this and for that reason Tom Brady is the highest paid player in the league. Shame on Bill for not realizing that it takes wide receivers too. If the quarterback is the driver, then the receivers are the vehicle. The best driver in the world can win a race with an inferior car, Brady did it on his way to three Super Bowl titles, but why force him to do it?
No offense to Wes Welker because obviously he's a fantastic player, but plays in the slot and doesn't have the skill set of a typical No. 1 receiver. Think Calvin Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, Vincent Jackson, Hakeem Nicks, Brandon Marshall (without the drops), Andre Johnson and Sidney Rice. These guys are all over 6-2, with the exception of Nicks, can all jump out of the gym, all specialize in making catches outside the numbers (between the literal yardage numbers painted on the field and the sideline) especially deep down the field and they all go up and get the ball at its highest point. More importantly they run the typical goal line fade (diagonal line right to the back corner of the end zone) and usually come down with the football no matter who's covering. Wes Welker is not that guy. He's 5-8 on a good day and isn't out jumping anyone. Ochocinco was supposed to be that guy but we all know how that turned out. Where does BB fit into all of this? Two of the guys on that list were free agents last season - Sidney Rice and Vincent Jackson. Jackson has some character issues, mostly related to the retards in the office running the Chargers but this is a strong locker room and infinitely better organization and Rice was coming off an injury but both of these guys make big plays when it counts. Jackson is a freak of nature at 6'5'' and 230+ pounds and makes a living catching balls in traffic while making corners look like little children. Rice isn't as big but both of them have been better than Chad Ochocinco in recent years and could have been had for similar money. Jackson's teammate, Malcom Floyd, who's also 6'5'' and around 230 pounds was a free agent too and could have been had for $2 million this season. Ocho made $6 million and cost the team a draft pick in the trade to acquire him. I'm not a scout and for all I know the Pats looked at these guys and they didn't fit the system, but Ocho obviously didn't fit either so who knows. What I do know is last night the reality was that, with Gronkowski clearly a shell of his former self because of the ankle injury, there was not a player on the field for the Patriots who was going to make a catch against good coverage. Gronk does it regularly when hes healthy and Hernandez shows flashes but Hernandez, Welker and Branch all specialize in running great routes and finding the weak spot in the coverage to get open. They are fantastic at it. Sometimes, though, you need a player who can be blanketed by a corner with a safety helping but it doesn't matter because the QB is going to put the ball 11 feet in the air and the guy is going to go up and get it like a basketball player coming down with a rebound. Calvin Johnson has a 42.5" vertical leap, is 6' 5'' and 236 pounds. With his arms extended over his head standing tall, his middle finger reaches 8'8''. Add a 42.5 inch vertical to that and he's dunking on an 11' rim with ease, or coming down with catches in double coverage on a regular basis.
The Pats don't need another Randy Moss. They don't even need a guy who is going to carry the offense or be asked to. They just need a tall, strong, athletic guy who can make a tough catch when everyone is else is covered and force the defense to respect the outside of the field. Gronkowski can't be that guy because of the position he plays and the fact that he will always be covered by linebackers who can come a lot closer to matching his physicality than a DB on a wide receiver who can run like hell and is also a beast in the strength department. I wont kill BB for this because those two tight ends are so good he deserves heaps of credit for getting them, but if you look at all the top offenses of the league, they all have at least one player on the outside who is going to make a huge catch when the offense really needs it.
-New Orleans has Marques Colson who is 6'4'' 225 and Robert Meachem at 6'2'' 210.
-Green Bay has Jordy Nelson at 6'3'' 217 and Greg Jennings who plays like a tall guy but really isn't
-Detroit has Calvin Johnson at 6'5'' 236
-NYG has three receivers who are slightly undersized but are all phenomenal at making plays on the outside
-San Diego has the two 6'5'' monsters on the outside and Antonio Gates in the middle
-Atlanta has Roddy White who is shortish at 6'0'' but is a fantastic player and Julio Jones who at 6'3'' 220 could be the best receiver in the NFL in a few years after watching him play this season
I could keep going but the moral of the story is that the rules in the NFL are so slanted in favor of offenses, especially in regards to making contact with receivers, that it's foolish to not have a big basketball player type on the outside who can take advantage of the soft rules and manhandle defensive backs on a regular basis. Randy Moss was never that guy, he's a freak of nature in other ways, but he was never winning battles of strength. The players are out there, it's time for Bill to go get one.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Hey, Peyton, sit down and shut up.
We all have that friend. That jackass who gets blackout drunk on YOUR birthday and spends the whole night talking about how nobody loves them, pukes all over someone's car and totally ruins the party. Peyton Manning is that friend. Way to pick Super Bowl week to start drama and fling your bloody tampon all over the place. I would rather listen to Madonna take stabs at Rob Gronkowski's effectiveness on Sunday than continue to watch the pissing match between Manning and Irsay, which is saying something. Seriously, just fuck off and save it for the off season. I don't give two shits about Eli Manning but do it for him, Peyton, just shut the fuck up and let your little brother enjoy the spotlight. Do it for the kids.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Fuck you NFL Network. Fuck you.
Madonna? Fucking MADONNA? NFL network just interviewed Madonna. Huge press conference. You know in 5th grade when you had a book report due and you totally did not read the book, so you just got up there and made up some bullshit? Well that book report was probably better than anything the queen of pop has to say about football. Stick to faking a British accent to sound even snobbier than you already are and let people who actually know sports talk about them. I don't know who I hate more, the asshole who said, "hey, lets get Madonna to say a few words!" or Madonna for actually accepting. If someone called me and asked me to do an interview on veggie burgers I would decline because I'm not a vegetarian or a lesbian. Madonna isn't a cheerleader, and she sure as shit can't play football so shut the fuck up and go back to sucking Guy Richie's dick so maybe he can put out another movie.
Here's an even better idea, stop asking people what they think about Rob Gronkowski's ankle. Unless that person is the doctor who did the MRI or X-Ray or whatever the fuck and they actually have something to contribute, just don't even ask. I don't give a fuck what Jerry Rice has to say about a high ankle sprain. You know what? Fuck it, if you're going to ask someone about it, ask a smokeshow like Sofia Vergara or Jennifer Aniston. I'm on a cougar kick lately. At least if it's a Colombian dime-piece with a priapism inducing accent or Jennifer god damn Aniston I won't give a fuck that whatever they are saying is completely irrelevant and I can just take in the view. Sofia Vergara could talk to me about anal fissures for six hours and I would still happily marry her. Jerry Rice talks about playing wide receiver for 25 seconds and I want to punch him in his smug face.
More tits or GTFO NFL Network. Oh, and no one wants to watch Rich Eisen go down a fucking zip line. I like him as a broadcaster, as an extreme sportsman he sucks. I'm going to eat a god damn snack.
Here's an even better idea, stop asking people what they think about Rob Gronkowski's ankle. Unless that person is the doctor who did the MRI or X-Ray or whatever the fuck and they actually have something to contribute, just don't even ask. I don't give a fuck what Jerry Rice has to say about a high ankle sprain. You know what? Fuck it, if you're going to ask someone about it, ask a smokeshow like Sofia Vergara or Jennifer Aniston. I'm on a cougar kick lately. At least if it's a Colombian dime-piece with a priapism inducing accent or Jennifer god damn Aniston I won't give a fuck that whatever they are saying is completely irrelevant and I can just take in the view. Sofia Vergara could talk to me about anal fissures for six hours and I would still happily marry her. Jerry Rice talks about playing wide receiver for 25 seconds and I want to punch him in his smug face.
More tits or GTFO NFL Network. Oh, and no one wants to watch Rich Eisen go down a fucking zip line. I like him as a broadcaster, as an extreme sportsman he sucks. I'm going to eat a god damn snack.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
So its been a few months, suck it.
Ok, I haven't written anything here in a while. Sue me. I'm pretty sure me checking for spelling and grammar errors is the most this thing gets read anyway so I'm basically engaging in witty banter with myself right now. So witty. Anyway.
The Patriots are in the Super Bowl. Chest Bump. More importantly, this is Tom's chance to redeem himself after last time. I'm not talking about the win, that's obvious. I'm talking about the fact that since he married Big G he hasn't hasn't even sniffed the grundle of the Lombardi trophy, nevermind actually hoisted it. According to my sources (google), the two started dating around Christmas of '06, meaning she would have been there in '08 to allow Tom to complete what is literally the single greatest string of events in the history of all mankind - winning his 4th Super Bowl Title, followed by going balls deep in the hottest chick in the world. Honestly, Bro Montana can fuckin' suck one because his 4 titles are cool, but after his 4th win he did not finger blast Giselle on the ride home from the stadium before giving a clinic on throwing it deep in a supermodel who makes more money than he does. Sorry Joe, maybe next life. Probably not.
Side note: You know why Mrs. Brady has flawless skin? Because Tom Brady's semen is the secret ingredient in ProActive. It's also what was used to plug the BP oil spill and lube the assault rifle that shot Bin Laden in the face.
To put the icing on the cake of this whole thing?
-The Ravens got fucked over by a kicker, which is just outstanding. A soccer player with a helmet on just flushed your season down the toilet. Oops.
-The Jets were terrible, imploding before the season was over because Mark Suckchez was finally exposed for being the complete fraud that he is. Pete Carroll used to stick a finger in his ass thinking about the NFL before Seattle hired him, and when that guy tells you to stay in school for another year, maybe you should listen. At least the scouting department of the Jets should have. I mean, come on. The fucking HEAD COACH told Marky to stay in school for a year. The head coach. That's not a red flag, Tannenbaum? Clown.
I do feel bad for Rex Ryan, though. Just a little. Ok I don't but I kind of enjoy the guy. He uttered the single most beautiful phrase in the English language so I have some respect for him. "Let's go eat a god damn snack" is literary gold. I dare you to say that out loud and not be compelled to make an ass of yourself stuffing your face with deliciousness. Just for typing it I want to do that move where you tilt your head back, take a handful of popcorn and stuff it all in your mouth while simultaneously chewing, swallowing and getting half of it all over yourself. Good times.
What's the over/under that if the Patriots win, Roberto Gronk's the Lombardi Trophy and just shatters the thing then says "Sorry Dog!" to Goodell? Nothing would be more glorious. Except maybe if he slammed the base of the broken trophy right up Bibi Jones' beef curtains at the 50 yard line.
The Patriots are in the Super Bowl. Chest Bump. More importantly, this is Tom's chance to redeem himself after last time. I'm not talking about the win, that's obvious. I'm talking about the fact that since he married Big G he hasn't hasn't even sniffed the grundle of the Lombardi trophy, nevermind actually hoisted it. According to my sources (google), the two started dating around Christmas of '06, meaning she would have been there in '08 to allow Tom to complete what is literally the single greatest string of events in the history of all mankind - winning his 4th Super Bowl Title, followed by going balls deep in the hottest chick in the world. Honestly, Bro Montana can fuckin' suck one because his 4 titles are cool, but after his 4th win he did not finger blast Giselle on the ride home from the stadium before giving a clinic on throwing it deep in a supermodel who makes more money than he does. Sorry Joe, maybe next life. Probably not.
Side note: You know why Mrs. Brady has flawless skin? Because Tom Brady's semen is the secret ingredient in ProActive. It's also what was used to plug the BP oil spill and lube the assault rifle that shot Bin Laden in the face.
To put the icing on the cake of this whole thing?
-The Ravens got fucked over by a kicker, which is just outstanding. A soccer player with a helmet on just flushed your season down the toilet. Oops.
-The Jets were terrible, imploding before the season was over because Mark Suckchez was finally exposed for being the complete fraud that he is. Pete Carroll used to stick a finger in his ass thinking about the NFL before Seattle hired him, and when that guy tells you to stay in school for another year, maybe you should listen. At least the scouting department of the Jets should have. I mean, come on. The fucking HEAD COACH told Marky to stay in school for a year. The head coach. That's not a red flag, Tannenbaum? Clown.
I do feel bad for Rex Ryan, though. Just a little. Ok I don't but I kind of enjoy the guy. He uttered the single most beautiful phrase in the English language so I have some respect for him. "Let's go eat a god damn snack" is literary gold. I dare you to say that out loud and not be compelled to make an ass of yourself stuffing your face with deliciousness. Just for typing it I want to do that move where you tilt your head back, take a handful of popcorn and stuff it all in your mouth while simultaneously chewing, swallowing and getting half of it all over yourself. Good times.
What's the over/under that if the Patriots win, Roberto Gronk's the Lombardi Trophy and just shatters the thing then says "Sorry Dog!" to Goodell? Nothing would be more glorious. Except maybe if he slammed the base of the broken trophy right up Bibi Jones' beef curtains at the 50 yard line.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Weekend Kickoff
So I'm watching/listening NFL Network this afternoon slowly drifting into a state of hypnosis because Total Access has already looped about 4 times and I'm starting to know all the words to each segment when all of a sudden I hear the Aldon Smith interview come on again. Aldon Smith is a rookie linebacker for the 49ers and hes a fucking beast. Normally when I have NFL Network on I just listen so I can simultaneously hit the refresh button on my fantasy football page about ten times a minute in hopes that some little nugget of information will come out that guarantees me a win. Maybe something like each player on my roster happened to get in an accident with a toxic waste truck and the exposure to hazardous chemicals has turned them all into mutant freaks of nature who are now literally unstoppable. I mean, they already kind of are mutant freaks of nature, but I'm talking some Wonder Woman got fucked raw dog by the Incredible Hulk and had an illegitimate kid with daddy issues type shit.
Anyway, this time the interview came on I decided to turn around and watch it, and while I'm watching it I realize how young this kid looks, so I Google him. He's 9 months younger than me. What a kick in the face. I'm still living at home writing some stupid ass blog about whatever random bullshit comes to mind and hes out there splitting cheerleaders in half between practice and film study, on his way to getting paid millions of dollars to beast weights and knock quarterbacks senseless. What a fuckin' life.
Fantasy Football Start of the Week - The entire Tennessee offense. I don't give a fuck how bad Chris Johnson has been this year, and he's been pretty bad, you need to start him. You should also start Matt Hasselbeck, Nate Washington, Javon Ringer, and every other player on that roster who has the chance to see the ball even once, since that one touch will probably be good for a touchdown. I mean, they let the Saints hang a god damn 60 burger on them last week and every player on the Colts bench had the same thousand yard stare look on their face like they were seriously considering the pros and cons of breaking their own arm and going on injured reserve so they wouldn't have to suffer any more embarrassment.
The Colts are so bad right now JaMarcus Russell would probably tell them to fuck off if they asked him to try out. Honestly, I would probably tell them to eat my dick because Jim Irsay, the owner, is one of the biggest retards I follow on Twitter and Jim Caldwell would have a hard time unseating Coach Doherty as head coach at Framingham High. Thats not even an exaggeration. He would be lucky to coach a Pop Warner squad to a .500 season.
Speaking of Jim Caldwell, if you happen to catch any of the game this weekend, or even the highlights, you can be sure that when the other team scores, which is going to happen a lot, he will be shown standing on the sideline looking like a shitty exhibit in a wax museum. I say shitty because he literally shows no emotion. At least in a wax museum the exhibits are like woooo look at me I'm made of wax and I'm pretending to actually do shit. Jim Caldwell can't even do that, he just has this blank stare on his face like you see on a little kid who's trying to come up with a lie on the spot because he smashed his moms favorite vase and she wants to know what the fuck happened. Sometimes I think his headset is just a pair of headphones plugged into an iPod and the PR staff at the Colts have coached him to occasionally move his lips like hes talking to the guys in the coaches box but in reality he's just listening to the soundtrack of the Lion King or something. Hakuna Matata, Jim.
This week features a bunch of shitty, lopsided matchups but the Patriots @ Steel City is going to be worth watching. I'm taking the Pats over the Steelers because Dick LeBeau, despite being a Hall of Famer, is content to throw the same exact defensive game plan at Tom Brady every time these teams play each other and Brady just crushes is. Every. Single. Time. LeBeau might as well be that dumbass in pre-school who keeps trying to stuff the square block into the circle hole and then looks at it afterward like, what the fuck is wrong with this thing?
Happy Halloween. Get Wasted.
Anyway, this time the interview came on I decided to turn around and watch it, and while I'm watching it I realize how young this kid looks, so I Google him. He's 9 months younger than me. What a kick in the face. I'm still living at home writing some stupid ass blog about whatever random bullshit comes to mind and hes out there splitting cheerleaders in half between practice and film study, on his way to getting paid millions of dollars to beast weights and knock quarterbacks senseless. What a fuckin' life.
Fantasy Football Start of the Week - The entire Tennessee offense. I don't give a fuck how bad Chris Johnson has been this year, and he's been pretty bad, you need to start him. You should also start Matt Hasselbeck, Nate Washington, Javon Ringer, and every other player on that roster who has the chance to see the ball even once, since that one touch will probably be good for a touchdown. I mean, they let the Saints hang a god damn 60 burger on them last week and every player on the Colts bench had the same thousand yard stare look on their face like they were seriously considering the pros and cons of breaking their own arm and going on injured reserve so they wouldn't have to suffer any more embarrassment.
The Colts are so bad right now JaMarcus Russell would probably tell them to fuck off if they asked him to try out. Honestly, I would probably tell them to eat my dick because Jim Irsay, the owner, is one of the biggest retards I follow on Twitter and Jim Caldwell would have a hard time unseating Coach Doherty as head coach at Framingham High. Thats not even an exaggeration. He would be lucky to coach a Pop Warner squad to a .500 season.
Speaking of Jim Caldwell, if you happen to catch any of the game this weekend, or even the highlights, you can be sure that when the other team scores, which is going to happen a lot, he will be shown standing on the sideline looking like a shitty exhibit in a wax museum. I say shitty because he literally shows no emotion. At least in a wax museum the exhibits are like woooo look at me I'm made of wax and I'm pretending to actually do shit. Jim Caldwell can't even do that, he just has this blank stare on his face like you see on a little kid who's trying to come up with a lie on the spot because he smashed his moms favorite vase and she wants to know what the fuck happened. Sometimes I think his headset is just a pair of headphones plugged into an iPod and the PR staff at the Colts have coached him to occasionally move his lips like hes talking to the guys in the coaches box but in reality he's just listening to the soundtrack of the Lion King or something. Hakuna Matata, Jim.
This week features a bunch of shitty, lopsided matchups but the Patriots @ Steel City is going to be worth watching. I'm taking the Pats over the Steelers because Dick LeBeau, despite being a Hall of Famer, is content to throw the same exact defensive game plan at Tom Brady every time these teams play each other and Brady just crushes is. Every. Single. Time. LeBeau might as well be that dumbass in pre-school who keeps trying to stuff the square block into the circle hole and then looks at it afterward like, what the fuck is wrong with this thing?
Happy Halloween. Get Wasted.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Welcome to Mr. Sunshine
I'm an asshole, I'm negative, I'm cynical. Apparently this is funny, unless you're on the receiving end and you don't know me, then its just rude and obnoxious. Regardless, welcome to my blog, Mr. Sunshine. It's an ironic name because I'm not Mr. Sunshine. Get it?
I'm going to try and develop some kind of format for this so you know whats coming. Douche Bag Mondays for example. That's not going to be part of the format. Maybe it is. I don't know I said I would try, not that I already did and presto! Douche Bag Mondays is the first installment. It's Thursday anyway and if you were looking forward to reading DB Mondays on a Thursday you'll probably be the first douche bag featured on DB Mondays. Fuck, I have to do DB Mondays now. Has a nice ring to it. Maybe one day I can have a link you can click on that says "DBM" and everyone will already know that it stands for Douche Bag Mondays because they are such huge fans and I can sit on my pile of cash Scrooge McDuck style watching the view count blast through the roof on a giant electronic ticker like that peice of shit at Loring Arena laughing maniacally the entire time with huge dollar signs in my eyes and a hard on. Damn, this is going to be AWESOME.
Fridays, however, will be about football. They will not be called Football Fridays because alliteration is gay and I'm not doing that shit. Just know that Fridays will frequently feature football. See? You feel gayer for reading that. Imagine how I feel for writing it.
I'm going to try and develop some kind of format for this so you know whats coming. Douche Bag Mondays for example. That's not going to be part of the format. Maybe it is. I don't know I said I would try, not that I already did and presto! Douche Bag Mondays is the first installment. It's Thursday anyway and if you were looking forward to reading DB Mondays on a Thursday you'll probably be the first douche bag featured on DB Mondays. Fuck, I have to do DB Mondays now. Has a nice ring to it. Maybe one day I can have a link you can click on that says "DBM" and everyone will already know that it stands for Douche Bag Mondays because they are such huge fans and I can sit on my pile of cash Scrooge McDuck style watching the view count blast through the roof on a giant electronic ticker like that peice of shit at Loring Arena laughing maniacally the entire time with huge dollar signs in my eyes and a hard on. Damn, this is going to be AWESOME.
Fridays, however, will be about football. They will not be called Football Fridays because alliteration is gay and I'm not doing that shit. Just know that Fridays will frequently feature football. See? You feel gayer for reading that. Imagine how I feel for writing it.
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