So I'm watching/listening NFL Network this afternoon slowly drifting into a state of hypnosis because Total Access has already looped about 4 times and I'm starting to know all the words to each segment when all of a sudden I hear the Aldon Smith interview come on again. Aldon Smith is a rookie linebacker for the 49ers and hes a fucking beast. Normally when I have NFL Network on I just listen so I can simultaneously hit the refresh button on my fantasy football page about ten times a minute in hopes that some little nugget of information will come out that guarantees me a win. Maybe something like each player on my roster happened to get in an accident with a toxic waste truck and the exposure to hazardous chemicals has turned them all into mutant freaks of nature who are now literally unstoppable. I mean, they already kind of are mutant freaks of nature, but I'm talking some Wonder Woman got fucked raw dog by the Incredible Hulk and had an illegitimate kid with daddy issues type shit.
Anyway, this time the interview came on I decided to turn around and watch it, and while I'm watching it I realize how young this kid looks, so I Google him. He's 9 months younger than me. What a kick in the face. I'm still living at home writing some stupid ass blog about whatever random bullshit comes to mind and hes out there splitting cheerleaders in half between practice and film study, on his way to getting paid millions of dollars to beast weights and knock quarterbacks senseless. What a fuckin' life.
Fantasy Football Start of the Week - The entire Tennessee offense. I don't give a fuck how bad Chris Johnson has been this year, and he's been pretty bad, you need to start him. You should also start Matt Hasselbeck, Nate Washington, Javon Ringer, and every other player on that roster who has the chance to see the ball even once, since that one touch will probably be good for a touchdown. I mean, they let the Saints hang a god damn 60 burger on them last week and every player on the Colts bench had the same thousand yard stare look on their face like they were seriously considering the pros and cons of breaking their own arm and going on injured reserve so they wouldn't have to suffer any more embarrassment.
The Colts are so bad right now JaMarcus Russell would probably tell them to fuck off if they asked him to try out. Honestly, I would probably tell them to eat my dick because Jim Irsay, the owner, is one of the biggest retards I follow on Twitter and Jim Caldwell would have a hard time unseating Coach Doherty as head coach at Framingham High. Thats not even an exaggeration. He would be lucky to coach a Pop Warner squad to a .500 season.
Speaking of Jim Caldwell, if you happen to catch any of the game this weekend, or even the highlights, you can be sure that when the other team scores, which is going to happen a lot, he will be shown standing on the sideline looking like a shitty exhibit in a wax museum. I say shitty because he literally shows no emotion. At least in a wax museum the exhibits are like woooo look at me I'm made of wax and I'm pretending to actually do shit. Jim Caldwell can't even do that, he just has this blank stare on his face like you see on a little kid who's trying to come up with a lie on the spot because he smashed his moms favorite vase and she wants to know what the fuck happened. Sometimes I think his headset is just a pair of headphones plugged into an iPod and the PR staff at the Colts have coached him to occasionally move his lips like hes talking to the guys in the coaches box but in reality he's just listening to the soundtrack of the Lion King or something. Hakuna Matata, Jim.
This week features a bunch of shitty, lopsided matchups but the Patriots @ Steel City is going to be worth watching. I'm taking the Pats over the Steelers because Dick LeBeau, despite being a Hall of Famer, is content to throw the same exact defensive game plan at Tom Brady every time these teams play each other and Brady just crushes is. Every. Single. Time. LeBeau might as well be that dumbass in pre-school who keeps trying to stuff the square block into the circle hole and then looks at it afterward like, what the fuck is wrong with this thing?
Happy Halloween. Get Wasted.
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