Ok, I haven't written anything here in a while. Sue me. I'm pretty sure me checking for spelling and grammar errors is the most this thing gets read anyway so I'm basically engaging in witty banter with myself right now. So witty. Anyway.
The Patriots are in the Super Bowl. Chest Bump. More importantly, this is Tom's chance to redeem himself after last time. I'm not talking about the win, that's obvious. I'm talking about the fact that since he married Big G he hasn't hasn't even sniffed the grundle of the Lombardi trophy, nevermind actually hoisted it. According to my sources (google), the two started dating around Christmas of '06, meaning she would have been there in '08 to allow Tom to complete what is literally the single greatest string of events in the history of all mankind - winning his 4th Super Bowl Title, followed by going balls deep in the hottest chick in the world. Honestly, Bro Montana can fuckin' suck one because his 4 titles are cool, but after his 4th win he did not finger blast Giselle on the ride home from the stadium before giving a clinic on throwing it deep in a supermodel who makes more money than he does. Sorry Joe, maybe next life. Probably not.
Side note: You know why Mrs. Brady has flawless skin? Because Tom Brady's semen is the secret ingredient in ProActive. It's also what was used to plug the BP oil spill and lube the assault rifle that shot Bin Laden in the face.
To put the icing on the cake of this whole thing?
-The Ravens got fucked over by a kicker, which is just outstanding. A soccer player with a helmet on just flushed your season down the toilet. Oops.
-The Jets were terrible, imploding before the season was over because Mark Suckchez was finally exposed for being the complete fraud that he is. Pete Carroll used to stick a finger in his ass thinking about the NFL before Seattle hired him, and when that guy tells you to stay in school for another year, maybe you should listen. At least the scouting department of the Jets should have. I mean, come on. The fucking HEAD COACH told Marky to stay in school for a year. The head coach. That's not a red flag, Tannenbaum? Clown.
I do feel bad for Rex Ryan, though. Just a little. Ok I don't but I kind of enjoy the guy. He uttered the single most beautiful phrase in the English language so I have some respect for him. "Let's go eat a god damn snack" is literary gold. I dare you to say that out loud and not be compelled to make an ass of yourself stuffing your face with deliciousness. Just for typing it I want to do that move where you tilt your head back, take a handful of popcorn and stuff it all in your mouth while simultaneously chewing, swallowing and getting half of it all over yourself. Good times.
What's the over/under that if the Patriots win, Roberto Gronk's the Lombardi Trophy and just shatters the thing then says "Sorry Dog!" to Goodell? Nothing would be more glorious. Except maybe if he slammed the base of the broken trophy right up Bibi Jones' beef curtains at the 50 yard line.
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